How to Make Excuse Letter into a Text Message

During days of old even lazy people came up with long, meticulously plotted excuses about why didn’t do their homework. In fact, many put more time into the excuses than it would have taken to have done the original assignment. But in the age of cell phones, where communication is succinct and instantaneous, you need a ready made response.

So in the spirit of not giving it your all, this isn’t so much How to Make Excuse Letter into a text message, as it is giving you that excuse text message, already written and whittled down to 160 characters:

“2 sick 4 office; even my phlegm is swollen and bleedy, why are chicken’s necks so saggy? pls send milk.”
(Too woozy to string together words text message)

“Ford Taurus broke down in traffic, traffic starred Michael Douglas, the Explorer was faster by a hare, but the Taurus got better mileage.”
(Aesop’s auto excuse text message)

“It’s not you it’s me, maybe we should start seeing other people, part of me will always be with you, even aside from the Syphilis…”
(If you love something, set if free text message)

“Want 2 give u loan but there was a horrible accident and this is from beyond the grave. They weren’t kidding about those anywhere minutes.”
(When friends want money text message)

“Sorry about last night but was feeling emotionally exposed and misinterpreted. As for being literally exposed, I assure u it was cold out.”
(inevitable hangover text message)
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